Sometimes you regret the decisions you make in life. You thrash to and fro tearing yourself apart. Am I doing the right thing? Will I regret this? I have rarely regretted my actions. Although I do realize that all my decisions have not been the best, I think they have molded me into the woman I am today. Without the trials and tribulations of my scarred and spotted past I would not have the strength and confidence that I have now.
One would think that with the momentous decisions that I have faced lately and the decisions I have come to that I would have regrets. I don't. One of the few regrets that I have had is my marriage. Even the most tumultuous relationships in my past have had their saving graces. My marriage had none of those. It was like a house of cards built on a bed of lies. Once I learned the truth it blew away like dust. There have been a few moments where I have almost been shocked by my lack of pain and emotion regarding the end of it. Mostly however there has only been a resounding sense of relief. That chapter is finished. Shoo fly!
I am facing an amazing level of change in my life at this moment. And yet I feel fearless and exilerated about those changes. Any doubts that tickled at my sub-concious were laid to rest this evening. Any thoughts of "why am I leaving?" have been replaced resoundingly with " why did I stay here so long?"
Kevin and I can occupy the same space quietly without having to constantly be on top of each other. The laughter we share echoes in my head when we are not together.I never feel as though I have to be someone I am not and I imagine that he feels the same. Our dialogue is open and free with no judgement from either side and sometimes when I need to be in that quiet moment alone with no distractions he doesn't take it personally. He doesn't create nightmares in his mind. He simply lets me be for a moment.
A moment is all I need. A moment to think. A moment to breathe. A moment to realize that this is what life is about...living.
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