Him and I.

I read an email from my guy Kevin tonight. I won't go into detail, but l will say I saw a very romantic side of him in it. It didn't make me feel all gushy and breathless like I was starring in a romance novel. It made me feel STRONG. Like I was invincible. Like I was backed up by the marines and no one could stand in my way.

I've felt that rush of extreme emotion a few times in my life. Carried away on a wave of massive hormones and sweeping promises. I've been caught up in the tide of chemicals and emotions that argue so persuadingly with logic and reason.

This is different. My heart is still deeply involved. Only now it is working in perfect unison with my mind and my dreams.

Dreams that are shared by another person. A man that doesn't mimic me. A man that works with me towards a future that embodies the best of both of our desires and wishes. A man with his own strengths and his own experiences that have made him the person he is today.There has never been a moment when I have not felt accepted and loved for who I am. There is no need to censor myself or cater to anothers insecurities. This is what true passion feels like.

Every moment I spend here is another moment away from US.

Family. Friends. They mean a lot to me. But him and I, that is the future.

The future is where I belong.

Hot/Wheels

Definitely a play on words. Who doesn't remember those minature cars that your older and oh so cooler brother wouldn't let you touch with a ten foot pole. I used to sneak in and play with them when he wasn't around. I took a couple of thrashings thanks to my fascination with those little cars. So here is my adult take on those two words.

No regrets...

Sometimes you regret the decisions you make in life. You thrash to and fro tearing yourself apart. Am I doing the right thing? Will I regret this? I have rarely regretted my actions. Although I do realize that all my decisions have not been the best, I think they have molded me into the woman I am today. Without the trials and tribulations of my scarred and spotted past I would not have the strength and confidence that I have now.

One would think that with the momentous decisions that I have faced lately and the decisions I have come to that I would have regrets. I don't. One of the few regrets that I have had is my marriage. Even the most tumultuous relationships in my past have had their saving graces. My marriage had none of those. It was like a house of cards built on a bed of lies. Once I learned the truth it blew away like dust. There have been a few moments where I have almost been shocked by my lack of pain and emotion regarding the end of it. Mostly however there has only been a resounding sense of relief. That chapter is finished. Shoo fly!

I am facing an amazing level of change in my life at this moment. And yet I feel fearless and exilerated about those changes. Any doubts that tickled at my sub-concious were laid to rest this evening. Any thoughts of "why am I leaving?" have been replaced resoundingly with " why did I stay here so long?"

Kevin and I can occupy the same space quietly without having to constantly be on top of each other. The laughter we share echoes in my head when we are not together.I never feel as though I have to be someone I am not and I imagine that he feels the same. Our dialogue is open and free with no judgement from either side and sometimes when I need to be in that quiet moment alone with no distractions he doesn't take it personally. He doesn't create nightmares in his mind. He simply lets me be for a moment.

A moment is all I need. A moment to think. A moment to breathe. A moment to realize that this is what life is about...living.

Our souls don't have color

I was just reading a blog about racism and one line stood out far above the rest."Our souls don't have color." No they don't, but unfortunately it's our minds and our hearts that dictate the way we treat people. Hate is not born, it is bred. Racism seeps from the swamp of ignorance and lack of education. Teaching our children to stand up and be heard, to defend even a stranger because it is the right thing to do. That is the path to equality.
How many people have sat at a table with a group of people and someone tells a racist "joke?"
How many of us have laughed along just to fit in while thinking that it is wrong to do so?
The day that you are the person that stands in defence of equality in all ways, in all situations,
no matter the cost to you,
THEN you can truly say, "I am not a racist"

A man is not born great, only through strength of character can he become great.

Jealousy...the green eyed monster. Death to any hope of a healthy relationship between two people. Although I've felt it take a nibble out of me once or twice when I was young I've never had the pleasure of having it consume me until I turned into a raving lunatic. Somehow I have always been able to grab it by the throat, hold it up to the light and strangle the life out of it.

I've always recognized it as the poisonous beast that it is, and I refuse to allow my better character to succumb to such disrespectful and petty emotions. I mean really, if someone is going to cheat on you there is nothing you can do about it. So you say to yourself "I know we're having problems, I think I'll be the biggest, most insecure ass that I can possibly be. Throw tantrums reminiscent of a two year old. Cry like a baby with diaper rash, And then whine when my partner leaves me in disgust." What the hell else are they supposed to do? Put up with the crap forever?

I think not! They are supposed to cut their losses just like the states did in vietnam. Some wars are just not winnable. They are supposed to leave their baggage behing them and forge ahead on a new adventure. They are supposed to lift their face to the sun and open their heart to someone new. Someone who truly embodies the best characteristics in a life partner.

Honesty.

Integrity.

and especially Self confidence.

So off I go face into the wind on my new adventure with a man by my side who's character is made up of those very traits. I feel as if i have finally met a man as fearless as me when faced with choices and opportunities. A man that looks me in the eye and treats our lives as open books, battle scars and all. No shame in those scars. For each one made us who we are today. And I like who I have become.

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."

Two places at once... No problem!

Seperate towels...Food split in half...What will she actually cook? She's 18 after all. Comfort level equal...Are there enough pots and pans to go around? Will the dog miss me as much as I'll miss him? Will he survive my absence? Boxes and bins here and there. Trying to work overtime, talk to all my friends, remember a thousand details at once. What am I forgetting???

Two houses...two towns...two lives...ONE adventure! I love adventure. That feeling of taking a step forward with your eyes covered. Blind but not deaf and dumb. Letting your instincts guide you. I have settled in one place long enough. I am a gypsy at heart. I love the smell of a new horizon. The view from a new peak. The sound of a new battle cry...

"Just Do It"

Who Knew...

I've tried NEW THINGS this year. Things I never thought I would truly enjoy. Hunting, camping, fishing, skidooing, ice fishing for cripes sake! Who knew? Who knew that it could be so cathartic. So peaceful. Who knew that I would return replenished and unstoppable. My dog loooves it. He is a changed four footed fur ball when we are out in the wilds of northern Ontario. I'm off to Alberta now. I had fallen a bit in love with it already when I was in Calgary and Banff. So majestic and untamed. Everything is bigger there. The mountains, the trucks, the attitudes. I love them all! As I build a new life there I intend to climb those mountains, drive those trucks and show Alberta what an Ontario girl is made of.

When life hands you lemonade...

So...sometimes life hands you lemonade. That's right, not lemons, lemonade. A perfect mix of sour and sweet, tongue tingling heaven in your mouth kind of lemonade. You thought maybe you wanted something else. A cold blast of ice cream... no, too smooth. Maybe a fizzy, ice cold coke. No... too sharp and abrasive. Ahhhh. Lemonade. Nectar of the Gods just when you needed it the most. Just when you thought the world was barren and parched.

I had a lemonade kinda week. Perfect guy. Perfect job. Perfect time in my life for some earth shattering moves on the chessboard of life. I keep waffling between extreme terror and extreme excitement. Am I f#*king crazy? No, I think not. What I am... is in for the next adventure. After all, life is just a collection of stories, or if you will,

snapshots of my beautiful, crazy life.

My wish...

" I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left.
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get.
Oh you find Gods grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take."
Rascal Flatts.

Oh my baby girl, look at you now. Who would have thought that a phone call that turned my life upside down would turn into my greatest accomplishment. Beautiful inside and out. Thoughtful, creative, passionate and caring. Smart, funny and amazing in so many ways. You saved me from my demons many years ago. You changed who I was into who I am now and I want to thank you with all my heart.

You are starting to spread your proverbial wings and it makes me joyous and sad all at the same time. I have the utmost faith in you as a person, a daughter and a friend. I'm here for you whenever you need me, but mostly I'll just get out of your way and let you fly.

Love Mom.

My bucket list. Half full or half empty?

I have a bucket list. I've called it many things over the years. Life list, to do list. It all boils down to one thing... I want to live. Not merely exsist. Truly live! After all the wonderful, mad and sometimes truly insane experiences in my life I've come to realize that life isn't short, it's long. R e a l l y loooong. If you are not careful you will spend 80 or 90 years doing the same damn thing over and over, day after day, week after week until you die.
We live in a world filled with an immense variety of places, cultures, traditions and wonders. And yet it seems that most people are content to be a worker ant instead of trying to take the throne in their own kingdom.
I refuse to settle. I almost did and I have never been so unhappy as during that time. One thing that came of such a negative period of my life was that I learned what it is to be truly happy. Sometimes you need the proverbial mirror to be held up so you can see what can be. For four years I put my bucket list on hold. The last amazing thing I did before that dry spell was in July of 2005, an outfit named Adventure Skydiving came to town. The arthritis society teamed up with them to fund-raise and inspire people. I talked a friend into doing it with me. Her name was Jamie Penny. At the time she was a client that I was training for the police test. We raised some money for a good cause, learned what true, pure, gut-wrenching adrenaline feels like and created a lasting memory.

Skydiving...Check.

So... no more drought in my my life. I will toot my own horn, drive my own train through life's many colorful scenes and plays. Climb aboard if you will, but put on your seat belt it's going to be bumpy!

So when i was 18 I met a tiger. Her name was Quadesh. She was a 500lb Siberian tiger owned by Bill. I lived in Toronto, Ontario, Canada so this was not a normal occurence. She seemed very happy most of the time. She slept in their massive custom built bed with them, had stuffed leopards and big tires for toys. They spoiled her rotten. Sometimes though, you could see something else. A restlessness. A need for something more. I don't ever want to be like that. Content on the outside but craving on the inside. My marriage suffocated me in two short years. Overwhelming jealousy and ignorance on his part made me feel caged and miserable. I'm divorcing him now. I feel like someone opened the door and I can see for miles. I think of Quadesh sometimes. I wonder if she'll ever experience true freedom.