No regrets...

Sometimes you regret the decisions you make in life. You thrash to and fro tearing yourself apart. Am I doing the right thing? Will I regret this? I have rarely regretted my actions. Although I do realize that all my decisions have not been the best, I think they have molded me into the woman I am today. Without the trials and tribulations of my scarred and spotted past I would not have the strength and confidence that I have now.

One would think that with the momentous decisions that I have faced lately and the decisions I have come to that I would have regrets. I don't. One of the few regrets that I have had is my marriage. Even the most tumultuous relationships in my past have had their saving graces. My marriage had none of those. It was like a house of cards built on a bed of lies. Once I learned the truth it blew away like dust. There have been a few moments where I have almost been shocked by my lack of pain and emotion regarding the end of it. Mostly however there has only been a resounding sense of relief. That chapter is finished. Shoo fly!

I am facing an amazing level of change in my life at this moment. And yet I feel fearless and exilerated about those changes. Any doubts that tickled at my sub-concious were laid to rest this evening. Any thoughts of "why am I leaving?" have been replaced resoundingly with " why did I stay here so long?"

Kevin and I can occupy the same space quietly without having to constantly be on top of each other. The laughter we share echoes in my head when we are not together.I never feel as though I have to be someone I am not and I imagine that he feels the same. Our dialogue is open and free with no judgement from either side and sometimes when I need to be in that quiet moment alone with no distractions he doesn't take it personally. He doesn't create nightmares in his mind. He simply lets me be for a moment.

A moment is all I need. A moment to think. A moment to breathe. A moment to realize that this is what life is about...living.

Two places at once... No problem!

Seperate towels...Food split in half...What will she actually cook? She's 18 after all. Comfort level equal...Are there enough pots and pans to go around? Will the dog miss me as much as I'll miss him? Will he survive my absence? Boxes and bins here and there. Trying to work overtime, talk to all my friends, remember a thousand details at once. What am I forgetting???

Two houses...two towns...two lives...ONE adventure! I love adventure. That feeling of taking a step forward with your eyes covered. Blind but not deaf and dumb. Letting your instincts guide you. I have settled in one place long enough. I am a gypsy at heart. I love the smell of a new horizon. The view from a new peak. The sound of a new battle cry...

"Just Do It"

So when i was 18 I met a tiger. Her name was Quadesh. She was a 500lb Siberian tiger owned by Bill. I lived in Toronto, Ontario, Canada so this was not a normal occurence. She seemed very happy most of the time. She slept in their massive custom built bed with them, had stuffed leopards and big tires for toys. They spoiled her rotten. Sometimes though, you could see something else. A restlessness. A need for something more. I don't ever want to be like that. Content on the outside but craving on the inside. My marriage suffocated me in two short years. Overwhelming jealousy and ignorance on his part made me feel caged and miserable. I'm divorcing him now. I feel like someone opened the door and I can see for miles. I think of Quadesh sometimes. I wonder if she'll ever experience true freedom.