Snapshots of my beautiful, crazy life.

Moving on up...

2010-03-19T02:52:00.003-04:00

Woo Hoo! I got the job!

I am now the new

Fitness Coordinator

for the Big MAC!

4 1/2 months and already a promotion! My immediate boss Chrissie is amazing to work with. I think together we will be a force to be reckoned with in the industry. I can't help but feel proud. All those days of going in early and staying late have been rewarded. I feel soooo lucky that I have a career that I find so rewarding and fulfilling. I wish everyone could have the same feeling about their chosen field of work. I have a few deadlines to fill and more things on my plate. Nothing I can't handle. I like to wear many hats and the variety is just what I need to keep me fired up.

2010-02-23T01:28:00.002-05:00

It's the year 2010. I'm happy,

I'm healthy & I'm dreaming with my eyes w i d e open for a change. I love my life now. My job is extremely fulfilling, my daughter and I are developing an amazingly adult relationship, my guy Kevin is loving and supportive of me
no matter what and 2gether we maintain an active, healthy lifestyle.
It is the life I've always wanted.
Thank you world!

5 Star Review.

2010-02-07T03:08:00.002-05:00

The company I work for had their 3 month reviews recently. I've never been "REVIEWED", so I didn't really know what to expect. I had to rate myself on a scale of 1-5 with 5 being the highest. So I'm reading the questions and I'm like... is it terrible of me if I think I deserve mostly fives and 2 fours?? Am I going to look arrogant? It's amazing how you start second guessing yourself.

In I go to the meeting with Matt my boss thinking " I hope he doesn't give me a bunch of threes!" He starts by telling me that our boss Jodi said that fives were to be given out sparingly and only if the employee was basically perfect in that area. I'm thinking, "CRAP!" He then asks me why I gave myself the two fours. I explain that A... I couldn't attend the team building events due to the fact that I was booked at those times. And B... I'm not the best at wearing the business logo attire as I find it uncomfortable when demonstrating.

So here I am waiting with bated breath and he says that he gave me all fives and a four and a half... but that he wrote an explanation for the 4 1/2. I'm thinking "who cares, no need to explain." Then he tells me that it's because he thinks I work too hard! Whew! Dodged a bullet there. :) So all in all I had a very good experience with my first ever "REVIEW"

Matt has left us to return to the east coast for a new position. He will be sorely missed for his calm demeanor and ease to be around. Bon Voyage my man!

2009-11-25T18:16:00.002-05:00

So... I am loveing this job. Still doing what I love but with more spice and variety then ever before. The people I work with are amazing and together we make a great team. My workouts are in high gear. I've added crossfit/MMA style workouts to my regimine and my core routine is a solid hour l o n g . I haven't felt this strong and flexible in a long time. Matt and I's boot camp is a HUGE success, over 40 people and counting and I'm picking up clients steady now. All my niggling injuries have been beaten into submission until they slunk away whining like the bitches they are! The new guy is bringing in the boxing and martial arts in a few weeks and I CAN"T WAIT!
Christmas is going to be awesome and Kevin and I will be with the people we love so much. We can't wait until it snows enough to break out the sled and go have some high speed fun in the snow. Jasper will be running trying to catch up with his tongue hanging out and his eyes sparkling like a maddog. WOO HOO!

Roadkill roadtrip

2009-11-01T19:28:00.002-05:00

Roadkill Roadtrip... I think those two simple words speak volumes in themselves. I drove halfway across this massive country in two days. Two loooong days. With Vern as my only companion I traversed over 2300 kilometers through fog, sunshine, rain and snow. In that actual order I might add. I met people from all over the country of various creeds and colours and was very impressed by how friendly and helpful they were in general. Ahh Canada, once again you prove that we are THE friendliest country around.
Only one thing gave my trip a sombre overtone. Dead animals, again of every creed and colour littered our many canadian highways. Fox, coyotes, racoons, one bunny rabbit, and many, many deer. (one of which was actually decapitated) I saw the head a few feet down the road. Eeeew!
I was getting a little tired and loopy and actually tried to amuse myself by keeping count. I gave up when I realized it might reach the triple digits. Again...Eeeew!
I think Vern actually covered his eyes when we drove by the head. Which is quite a feat considering how big his eyes are in comparison to his hands. Lol. By hour 16 the first day I think Vern was actually talking back to me, or maybe it was my need to have somebody, ANYBODY to talk to at that point. I'm not good with the whole "let's not talk for the whole day" thing as many of you can attest to.
Other than the creepy horror movie fog and the corpses however my trip was fairly uneventful as road trips go. I would definitely do it again. (preferably with a companion). I took a few great photos and enjoyed the scenery that four provinces had to offer up to me. And once again I realized that...
I Love This Country.

Him and I.

2009-10-25T22:52:00.005-04:00

I read an email from my guy Kevin tonight. I won't go into detail, but l will say I saw a very romantic side of him in it. It didn't make me feel all gushy and breathless like I was starring in a romance novel. It made me feel STRONG. Like I was invincible. Like I was backed up by the marines and no one could stand in my way.

I've felt that rush of extreme emotion a few times in my life. Carried away on a wave of massive hormones and sweeping promises. I've been caught up in the tide of chemicals and emotions that argue so persuadingly with logic and reason.

This is different. My heart is still deeply involved. Only now it is working in perfect unison with my mind and my dreams.

Dreams that are shared by another person. A man that doesn't mimic me. A man that works with me towards a future that embodies the best of both of our desires and wishes. A man with his own strengths and his own experiences that have made him the person he is today.There has never been a moment when I have not felt accepted and loved for who I am. There is no need to censor myself or cater to anothers insecurities. This is what true passion feels like.

Every moment I spend here is another moment away from US.

Family. Friends. They mean a lot to me. But him and I, that is the future.

The future is where I belong.

Hot/Wheels

2009-10-24T23:35:00.003-04:00

Definitely a play on words. Who doesn't remember those minature cars that your older and oh so cooler brother wouldn't let you touch with a ten foot pole. I used to sneak in and play with them when he wasn't around. I took a couple of thrashings thanks to my fascination with those little cars. So here is my adult take on those two words.

No regrets...

2009-10-24T22:38:00.005-04:00

Sometimes you regret the decisions you make in life. You thrash to and fro tearing yourself apart. Am I doing the right thing? Will I regret this? I have rarely regretted my actions. Although I do realize that all my decisions have not been the best, I think they have molded me into the woman I am today. Without the trials and tribulations of my scarred and spotted past I would not have the strength and confidence that I have now.

One would think that with the momentous decisions that I have faced lately and the decisions I have come to that I would have regrets. I don't. One of the few regrets that I have had is my marriage. Even the most tumultuous relationships in my past have had their saving graces. My marriage had none of those. It was like a house of cards built on a bed of lies. Once I learned the truth it blew away like dust. There have been a few moments where I have almost been shocked by my lack of pain and emotion regarding the end of it. Mostly however there has only been a resounding sense of relief. That chapter is finished. Shoo fly!

I am facing an amazing level of change in my life at this moment. And yet I feel fearless and exilerated about those changes. Any doubts that tickled at my sub-concious were laid to rest this evening. Any thoughts of "why am I leaving?" have been replaced resoundingly with " why did I stay here so long?"

Kevin and I can occupy the same space quietly without having to constantly be on top of each other. The laughter we share echoes in my head when we are not together.I never feel as though I have to be someone I am not and I imagine that he feels the same. Our dialogue is open and free with no judgement from either side and sometimes when I need to be in that quiet moment alone with no distractions he doesn't take it personally. He doesn't create nightmares in his mind. He simply lets me be for a moment.

A moment is all I need. A moment to think. A moment to breathe. A moment to realize that this is what life is about...living.

Our souls don't have color

2009-10-24T18:34:00.007-04:00

I was just reading a blog about racism and one line stood out far above the rest."Our souls don't have color." No they don't, but unfortunately it's our minds and our hearts that dictate the way we treat people. Hate is not born, it is bred. Racism seeps from the swamp of ignorance and lack of education. Teaching our children to stand up and be heard, to defend even a stranger because it is the right thing to do. That is the path to equality.
How many people have sat at a table with a group of people and someone tells a racist "joke?"
How many of us have laughed along just to fit in while thinking that it is wrong to do so?
The day that you are the person that stands in defence of equality in all ways, in all situations,
no matter the cost to you,
THEN you can truly say, "I am not a racist"

A man is not born great, only through strength of character can he become great.

2009-10-23T23:20:00.008-04:00

Jealousy...the green eyed monster. Death to any hope of a healthy relationship between two people. Although I've felt it take a nibble out of me once or twice when I was young I've never had the pleasure of having it consume me until I turned into a raving lunatic. Somehow I have always been able to grab it by the throat, hold it up to the light and strangle the life out of it.

I've always recognized it as the poisonous beast that it is, and I refuse to allow my better character to succumb to such disrespectful and petty emotions. I mean really, if someone is going to cheat on you there is nothing you can do about it. So you say to yourself "I know we're having problems, I think I'll be the biggest, most insecure ass that I can possibly be. Throw tantrums reminiscent of a two year old. Cry like a baby with diaper rash, And then whine when my partner leaves me in disgust." What the hell else are they supposed to do? Put up with the crap forever?

I think not! They are supposed to cut their losses just like the states did in vietnam. Some wars are just not winnable. They are supposed to leave their baggage behing them and forge ahead on a new adventure. They are supposed to lift their face to the sun and open their heart to someone new. Someone who truly embodies the best characteristics in a life partner.

Honesty.

Integrity.

and especially Self confidence.

So off I go face into the wind on my new adventure with a man by my side who's character is made up of those very traits. I feel as if i have finally met a man as fearless as me when faced with choices and opportunities. A man that looks me in the eye and treats our lives as open books, battle scars and all. No shame in those scars. For each one made us who we are today. And I like who I have become.

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."

Two places at once... No problem!

2009-10-22T21:42:00.009-04:00

Seperate towels...Food split in half...What will she actually cook? She's 18 after all. Comfort level equal...Are there enough pots and pans to go around? Will the dog miss me as much as I'll miss him? Will he survive my absence? Boxes and bins here and there. Trying to work overtime, talk to all my friends, remember a thousand details at once. What am I forgetting???

Two houses...two towns...two lives...ONE adventure! I love adventure. That feeling of taking a step forward with your eyes covered. Blind but not deaf and dumb. Letting your instincts guide you. I have settled in one place long enough. I am a gypsy at heart. I love the smell of a new horizon. The view from a new peak. The sound of a new battle cry...

"Just Do It"

Who Knew...

2009-10-21T23:45:00.009-04:00

I've tried NEW THINGS this year. Things I never thought I would truly enjoy. Hunting, camping, fishing, skidooing, ice fishing for cripes sake! Who knew? Who knew that it could be so cathartic. So peaceful. Who knew that I would return replenished and unstoppable. My dog loooves it. He is a changed four footed fur ball when we are out in the wilds of northern Ontario. I'm off to Alberta now. I had fallen a bit in love with it already when I was in Calgary and Banff. So majestic and untamed. Everything is bigger there. The mountains, the trucks, the attitudes. I love them all! As I build a new life there I intend to climb those mountains, drive those trucks and show Alberta what an Ontario girl is made of.

When life hands you lemonade...

2009-10-21T00:13:00.007-04:00

So...sometimes life hands you lemonade. That's right, not lemons, lemonade. A perfect mix of sour and sweet, tongue tingling heaven in your mouth kind of lemonade. You thought maybe you wanted something else. A cold blast of ice cream... no, too smooth. Maybe a fizzy, ice cold coke. No... too sharp and abrasive. Ahhhh. Lemonade. Nectar of the Gods just when you needed it the most. Just when you thought the world was barren and parched.

I had a lemonade kinda week. Perfect guy. Perfect job. Perfect time in my life for some earth shattering moves on the chessboard of life. I keep waffling between extreme terror and extreme excitement. Am I f#*king crazy? No, I think not. What I am... is in for the next adventure. After all, life is just a collection of stories, or if you will,

snapshots of my beautiful, crazy life.

My wish...

2009-10-15T15:46:00.005-04:00

" I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left.
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get.
Oh you find Gods grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take."
Rascal Flatts.

Oh my baby girl, look at you now. Who would have thought that a phone call that turned my life upside down would turn into my greatest accomplishment. Beautiful inside and out. Thoughtful, creative, passionate and caring. Smart, funny and amazing in so many ways. You saved me from my demons many years ago. You changed who I was into who I am now and I want to thank you with all my heart.

You are starting to spread your proverbial wings and it makes me joyous and sad all at the same time. I have the utmost faith in you as a person, a daughter and a friend. I'm here for you whenever you need me, but mostly I'll just get out of your way and let you fly.

Love Mom.

My bucket list. Half full or half empty?

2009-10-15T01:27:00.007-04:00

I have a bucket list. I've called it many things over the years. Life list, to do list. It all boils down to one thing... I want to live. Not merely exsist. Truly live! After all the wonderful, mad and sometimes truly insane experiences in my life I've come to realize that life isn't short, it's long. R e a l l y loooong. If you are not careful you will spend 80 or 90 years doing the same damn thing over and over, day after day, week after week until you die.
We live in a world filled with an immense variety of places, cultures, traditions and wonders. And yet it seems that most people are content to be a worker ant instead of trying to take the throne in their own kingdom.
I refuse to settle. I almost did and I have never been so unhappy as during that time. One thing that came of such a negative period of my life was that I learned what it is to be truly happy. Sometimes you need the proverbial mirror to be held up so you can see what can be. For four years I put my bucket list on hold. The last amazing thing I did before that dry spell was in July of 2005, an outfit named Adventure Skydiving came to town. The arthritis society teamed up with them to fund-raise and inspire people. I talked a friend into doing it with me. Her name was Jamie Penny. At the time she was a client that I was training for the police test. We raised some money for a good cause, learned what true, pure, gut-wrenching adrenaline feels like and created a lasting memory.

Skydiving...Check.

So... no more drought in my my life. I will toot my own horn, drive my own train through life's many colorful scenes and plays. Climb aboard if you will, but put on your seat belt it's going to be bumpy!

2009-10-15T00:40:00.000-04:00

So when i was 18 I met a tiger. Her name was Quadesh. She was a 500lb Siberian tiger owned by Bill. I lived in Toronto, Ontario, Canada so this was not a normal occurence. She seemed very happy most of the time. She slept in their massive custom built bed with them, had stuffed leopards and big tires for toys. They spoiled her rotten. Sometimes though, you could see something else. A restlessness. A need for something more. I don't ever want to be like that. Content on the outside but craving on the inside. My marriage suffocated me in two short years. Overwhelming jealousy and ignorance on his part made me feel caged and miserable. I'm divorcing him now. I feel like someone opened the door and I can see for miles. I think of Quadesh sometimes. I wonder if she'll ever experience true freedom.